[[free write for 15 minutes]]

I didn’t know what to expect when I started the program. Here I was still trying to figure out why UCLA would even admit me - a quarter had gone by and I hadn’t come up with a single good reason - now people were telling me I had the potential to exceed in grad school? “It must be because I look good on paper, I told myself.”

The morning of orientation I felt awkward – like everyone here had been thinking about their roles as future scholars their entire lives and somehow I had just happened upon this opportunity. Sure, I had an idea that I wanted to get a Ph.D. and it was simply that – an idea. I had no clue what that would look like in real life, what it would mean, what the practicality of grad school prep was. I knew one thing though – that up until this point my quest for a doctorate was purely superficial. “I want to get a PhD so that little mixed girls can look up to me and say ‘Hey I can be pretty and use my brain… I don’t have to choose’.” I wanted to get a PhD so I could convince my little sister that being educated was more important than being a socialite or being a girlfriend. I wanted to get a PhD because I didn’t want my smart ass little brother to show me up.

But oh how my perspective has changed. Quickly after the first reading that was assigned to us (An essay by Yosso… and of course everyone in my cohort except I knew who Yosso was), those topical layers of my desire started to wash away. I was surprised to find that there was indeed substance underneath. Perhaps there was a bigger reason why I was drawn to this experience of learning and exploring gaps in collective knowledge. I hadn’t thought about it, but was just sitting there waiting for me to discover it. Never had it occurred to me that passion could be translated into changing the way people think about complex issues and understand themselves and the world around them. And here I was in a prime position to do just that.

The opportunity laid at my feet. It wasn’t long before I had a newly inspired sense of purpose. It seemed so exciting. So novel. So daunting.  And then the responsibility finally hit. The issues we were exposed to during the winter seminar were like gasoline being sprayed onto this tiny flame that had been ignited when I first stepped on campus. I could finally see all of the ugliness in my once perfectly naïve world. The fire was growing bigger – burning so brightly sometimes that it consumed me and was too much to handle. I came home in tears most weekends. I couldn’t understand how the world could become so messy. I had not been prepared to question the society that birthed me and left me with no tools to comprehend and emotionally grapple with the injustice and inequity I was forced to become aware of on a daily basis. It’s a scary thing when that which was once important to you begins to lose it’s value. How could I strive for movie roles and Margiela when I could now clearly identify why the majority of my high school peers hadn’t gone to college. What value does being deemed beautiful and marketable by a record exec hold when women all over the world are being mutilated and stripped of their humanity? Why did I need that oppressive validation at all anymore? The identity I had built based on the things I wanted to accomplish in life, the things I was good at, the image I had built, began to crumble. It was both frightening and enraging.

I had to regroup and reposition myself within this path I’d so carelessly plopped myself onto so that I could take a positive outlook on all that was happening to me. The anger that had boiled inside of me for weeks finally subsided to a simmer – strong enough to remind me of my new found calling, but weak enough so as not to incapacitate me. It was then that I found balance. Strength. But it would not last for long…

This quarter has been a challenge. Different from the challenges I faced in Winter. For once in my life I have been forced to stretch my academic abilities. I have been asked to think, produce, and write more than I have ever had to before. I have been exposed to how data works and have been forced to create things – codebooks, surveys, training modules, presentations – things that meant nothing to me until 6 months ago. And, for once I have not come out completely on top. There is a sense of suspense that washes over me when I think about how this quarter may end. That I might not succeed with flying colors as I’ve always done in the past is a real possibility. It scares me, but I know that I have grown tremendously and have stretched beyond my previous self in ways I could have never imagined. Flying colors or not, I know that I have tried my hardest and that I will finish. And when I do I’ll relish in a newfound confidence that if I can finish this – if I can only cross the line with pride – I can accomplish anything.

I honestly was scared to post that when I first wrote it. I thought people were going to tell me I was whining/underestimating my privilege/yadda yadda. And although now it seems a little unsophisticated to me (I’m totally my biggest critic), it was real at the time and I had to express it. My perspective has evolved since then (I’m waiting for the articulation to come to me so I can share it with you), but I get these kinds of messages a lot (most of them seem too private to answer them publicly). Still, I appreciate every single time someone reaches out to me, because it reminds me that I’m not alone too… that’s the feeling we’re all after anyway, right?

Seriously though… thank you.

Life.

All of it.

Everything that it has to offer me.

Is that fame? Probably not.

Is that money? Only enough so that I can continue to live

Is that travel? Maybe…but travel could be internal or external.

Is that intensely felt emotion? 

Is that love? 

Is that learning + growing? Yes. 

[note to self: learn x grow x love x repeat = maximize the shit out of your days.]

I’m going to be Dr Epps before I’m Mrs Anything. 

And, no, you (whoever you are) will not be the one to change my mind.

Thank you so much. I love how you took the time to reach out to me. I seriously just feed off of the beautiful and positive energy from the people around me.

& I only make music for two reasons: 1. To express myself (so I don’t go crazy) and 2. To inspire others and let them know exactly what you have expressed — that none of us are alone. I will always be here for anyone that wants to listen/talk/vibe/cry/smile/scream/rant/laughetc.

You have inspired me today to keep going. Thank YOU.

Being at this university has positively impacted my life more than anything else I’ve ever experienced. It saddens me when people believe the lie that learning about the world around us “isn’t for everyone”, that u don’t “need” to be educated, or that critical thinking skills are only beneficial for an elite group of citizens…It saddens me even more when the people who crave to learn about their world, or be in an environment that fosters exploration, don’t even have the opportunity to do so.

Can we change that, guys? It’s just a little shift in thinking that needs to happen… the policies and resources will follow. I’m certain.

Today I’m grateful that I’m not the only one who realizes the severity of this issue. I’m also grateful that so many of you in my immediate circle are a part of this shift. The passion I see all around me to make life better for all people does not go unappreciated.

…the thought “man, If I could eat anything I want and not gain any weight my life would be perfect,” ran through my mind…

Then the little voice in my head fully processed the first thought and said, “wow, you’re really letting your happiness depend on something as trivial as your weight? How sad is that!”

And then I realized while thinking all of this, I was reading a fashion blog and that it was most likely influencing these thoughts… so I decided to stop looking at fashion blogs altogether… but then I realized I love fashion… and even if I stopped looking at fashion blogs, the thin ideal would still be inescapable…

I pretty much can’t exist in Los Angeles (or anywhere for that matter) without being bombarded with messages that tell me I’m not thin enough to be attractive, successful, entertaining, or “not-ghetto” (lol all you want at the last one, but you know it’s true for black girls… don’t blame me, blame Mammy, Jezebel, and Sapphire - none of them are waifs).

ugh, why must this world torture me so?!

*takes deep breath* …woosah, Avriel… woosah….