One of the biggest areas of growth I’ve identified in myself recently is a desire to stop judging people. Through this process of recognition in the hopes of correcting such an ugly habit I’ve realized that there is no one I judge more (aside from myself) than other women — particularly black women.
I often contemplate where this hatred of myself and my sisters came from….was it the media I was fed that told me “they” are particularly undeserving of love and respect or that “they” bring about their own unfortunate social standing through a self-created and perpetuated “dysfunctional” culture? Was it the ostricization I faced in high school when I wasn’t “black enough” to have black female friends? (please forgive me for using this wildly over used justification…talk about being a tragic mulatto…) Was it some instinctual jealousy I felt when I witnessed the same males I wanted attention from giving attention to other females who happened to be black? Was it my teenage sexual anxiety being directed at a group of women almost exclusively portrayed a lascivious objects of desire? Was I just projecting my own self-loathing onto a whole group of people who mildly resembled me (at least in the color-blurred eyes of society)?
To be honest, it was probably a combination of all of those things. Thank god I only had to get to 20 before I started to question them, because in the end I was only hurting myself. Not only was I harboring unwarranted and unchallenged hatred towards others, but because I myself am a [biracial] black woman I was inflicting pain on me — whether I wanted to admit it or not.
Today I stand in gratitude for my ability to challenege myself and the society that shaped me, forgive my many shortcomings, and take one step closer to reaching my ultimate goal of having the unwavering ability to give love. And to all of my sisters that I’ve bashed, hated on, belittled, or disrespected in the past: I love you. I am sorry. Together we will move forward one member stronger in solidarity.
Your existence, your beauty, and your resilience does not go unappreciated.